THE LIGHTER SIDE OF THE PRESIDENCY

Inq7.net news: Arroyo to commute all death sentences.

What is she, Her Clemency or Lighter Than Air Society?

A PAIN IN THE

In his Palm Sunday “Moments” column in the Philippine Daily Inquirer, Fr. Jerry M. Orbos, SVD, wrote “Of donkeys and monkeys.”

The article reminds me of the Filipino people who, like the donkey, not in its sense of stupidity, are patient but stubborn. For donkey’s years, we have done all the donkeywork while all the government does is talk the hind legs off a donkey.

Indeed, we are a domestic beast of burden, and there’s a monkey on our back that throws a monkey wrench into the governing process and does monkey business alongside a barrel of monkeys in a “monkey-see, monkey-do” congress.

Okay, we may be a domesticated ass kind of people, but let’s not make a monkey of our leaders. Why should we take all the credit?

IN THE GARDEN OF GOOD AND EVIL

Inq7.net news: ‘Arroyo: Let's discern between good, evil.’

For starters, people are basically good and government is a necessary evil.

Necessity being the mother of invention, the government fabricates lies, manufactures passports, makes up excuses, and trumps up charges.

FAITH MOLEHILL

Inq7.net news: ‘Arroyo to nation: Use 'strong faith' vs deception, disunity.’

The nation needs a leap of faith, all right, but pray tell me, is it a leap on the bandwagon, a leap in the dark, or a leap to conclusions?

SHAWIE DANCE

Barely a day after Rep. Alan Peter Cayetano said even Senate Majority Leader Francis Pangilinan might also be considered by the opposition to be its standard-bearer in the event of a snap poll, Israel has declared an end to Sharon’s rule.

Oh, well…

BEAT A RETREAT

Inq7.net news: ‘Arroyo, Cabinet to Baguio for 2-day retreat.’

Looks like the massive anti-Arroyo forces are gaining ground.

GREAT BALLS ON FIRE

‘Gonzalez's new gem: Arroyo has balls, Thaksin doesn't.’

It doesn’t really matter as she has her balls to the walls.

TOXIC SHOCK

News item: DOJ chief says President Arroyo no Thaksin.

President Arroyo is no Thaksin, all right, but she’s toxin.

DEATH BECOMES HER

Even the dead got fertilizers, COA reports.

Must be Miracle-Glo.

LET GEORGE W. DO IT

Bush asked to warn Arroyo against undermining democracy.

If he ever told her about it, she would just beat around him.

THE RAMBLING PHADUKA FART

News item: Embattled Thai PM sobs after resignation announcement.

In the Philippines, it’ll be over only when the fart lady sings goodbye.

ROLL OUT THE BARREL

News item: House approves 2006 national budget.

Solons to bring home the bacon -- a high-pork diet!

COFFEE, TEA, OR GMA?

News item: ‘Palace prods senators: Pass the budget.’

Coffee na lang, dear.

CURRENT EVENTS

News item: Meralco monopoly over.

It was overtaken by current events.

APRIL FOOLS R US

I don’t know what makes President Gloria Macapagal-Arroyo tick, but I hope it’s a time bomb.

Apparently, the ego of President Arroyo exploded in a nasty mishap. The bomb squad came rushing in to save Her Excellency. But, alas, the damage was already done.

Here's the full story:

President
Gloria
Macapagal-
Arroyo’s
ego
exploded
yesterday,
killing
one
and
injuring
five
others
who
stood
nearby.

A CHURNING URN OF BURNING FUNK, A HEFTY HUNK, STEAMING JUNK

News item: Arroyo rides Charter change train.

President Gloria Macapagal-Arroyo put her cards on the table and endorsed the controversial people's initiative to amend the 1987 Constitution.

"The true power of the people is being felt with the signature campaign to change our form of government. The old-time politicians of the status quo better stand back because this train has left the station. It is time for politicians to stand back or get run over," the president said in a speech.

The message is loud and clear: There’s a mighty steamroller that’s not afraid to pave everything before it that refuses to behave.

A churning urn of burning funk
A hefty hunk, steaming junk

I’m a steamroller baby
I’m ’bout to roll over you

AND JUSTICE FOR RAUL

News item: Gonzalez resignation, disbarment sought.

Justice Secretary Raul Gonzalez should resign and be disbarred because he allegedly violated his duty as head of the Department of Justice and his oath as a lawyer, according to lawyers' groups that filed a complaint against him.

Here’s a man who knifes you in the back and then has you arrested for carrying concealed weapons.

‘PAMBANSANG KA MAO’

News item: 'Hold guns, surrender free speech,' Arroyo reminds new cops.

But isn’t this the kind of politics that grows out of the barrel of an air gun?

POWERS THAT BE ALL AND END ALL

News item: ‘Bunye: She’s wielding power judiciously.’

“President Gloria Macapagal-Arroyo yesterday stood pat on the choices she made for key government positions in the last five years amid criticisms that many of her appointees were less than qualified for their positions.

“But former Social Welfare Secretary Corazon “Dinky” Soliman said the power of Ms Arroyo to appoint government officials should be limited to stop her from using the bureaucracy to pay her political debts.”

The problem is the president has the power to appoint and to disappoint.

CLOSE CALL

News item: Arroyo orders setting up of call center school.

When will we ever close the “Hello, Garci” controversy?

TELL IT TO THE MARINES, SCOUT RANGERS, AND SPECIAL ACTION FORCE

Do you know why our country’s monolithic military is now a thing of the past? We have crack troops, that’s why.

HAIL TO THE THIEF!

News item: Stay loyal to Constitution, Arroyo tells PMA grads.

Look who’s talking tough to our newest crop of young officers.

A MOUNTAIN CLIMBER OVER MOLEHILLS

News item: Troops on red alert ahead of Arroyo visit to PMA.

An elaborate security plan was laid out for President Gloria Macapagal Arroyo's appearance at the graduation ceremony of the Philippine Military Academy in Baguio City on Saturday amid an alleged plot by rebel soldiers to bomb the rites, military officials said.

Some 1,000 elite troops would secure the venue in Fort del Pilar where Arroyo will deliver the keynote speech and award medals and diplomas to the graduating class.

Clearly, we have a commander-in-chief who is a mountain climber over molehills.

UZI DOES IT

News item: Honasan sighted here, there and everywhere.

Former senator Gregorio “Gringo” Honasan, the subject of a nationwide manhunt over coup d' etat charges, is an accomplished escape artist.

The Army chief described the former rebel soldier as a "dangerous" fugitive. Honasan himself said that he would not surrender to authorities.

Remember Gringo’s glory days as a RAM boy? Uzi does it.

COOKIN' WITH GMA

Top story: New US envoy meets Arroyo.

Cookin’ with GMA? Cookin’ with Good Morning America, that is.

GIMME PIGS

News item: 2006 budget designed to ensure Arroyo’s survival - militants.

The president needs to bring home the bacon and distribute pork barrel in the House. After all, her supporters in Congress live high off the hog.

'ATE GLUE'

News item: Arroyo rejects calls for snap polls.

The president will stick to her post no matter what. She’s not Ate Glue for nothing.

FROM ECONOMIST TO ARCHAEOLOGIST

President Gloria Macapagal Arroyo may be a so-so economist, but she makes for a pretty good archaeologist. Her career lies in ruins.

Look what’s happening to the Senate, the House, the bureaucracy, the military, the judiciary, the Liberal Party, the mass media, etc.

A MIGHTY MINI WHO’S MIGHTY MEANIE

Sen. Rodolfo Biazon has expressed concern over purported abuses committed under President Gloria Macapagal Arroyo's Proclamation No. 1017.

"I think the President has thrown overboard all the standards of morality, of decency, of legality, and even of delicadeza, by what she's doing," he said.

The senator has pointed out that while PP 1017 gave the President no special powers, it had been used to crack down on political dissenters and the media.

Her Excellency is a mighty mini who’s mighty meanie.

A GRAIN OF ASSAULT

‘Media warned: No special treatment.’

One thing I can say about GMA is she treats media organizations and personalities fairly. And, yes, she can say with W.C. Fields, "I am free of all prejudices. I hate everyone equally."

Indeed, there’s no love lost between her and them. I can’t blame them if they take her with a grain of assault.

Is that her face, or did she just block a kick?

MURDER BY NUMBERS

News item: 59% think Arroyo’s resignation best for country, says survey.

Proof that the accent is on the presidency but the stress is on the country.

MAKEUP 411

One good thing about Gloria Macapagal Arroyo is she’s a hardworking president.

Considering the day-to-day affairs of state and personal controversies she has to face, can you imagine the troubles she has to go through to put makeup on two faces?

GMA KNOWS HER MMA

President Gloria Macapagal Arroyo knows her Mixed Martial Arts, and she’s applying it for maximum effect and optimum results in her fight for political survival.

Her combination attacks on alleged coup-conspirators – leftists, rightists, and centrists – illustrate this with crystal clarity: left jab, right cross, rear round kick.

Since she seems to have everything covered (including the mass media which are supposed to cover), the question is: Who will tattle if she fiddles with our tittle?

A TRULY SIMULTANEOUS COMBINATION OF FUNCTIONAL TRANSCRANIAL DOPPLER WHATEVER

President Gloria Macapagal-Arroyo has vowed to use the full force of the law to "clean out the residual threats of destabilization."

"We must sustain the clampdown on underground conspiracies until these are completely mopped up and wiped out," she said.

It seems to me, under a state of national emergency, the President solely determines not only who is right but also who is left.

ANY WITCH WAY YOU CAN

News item: Sen. Rodolfo Biazon warns crackdown on suspected coup plotters could fan military "restiveness into action."

The Philippine Army is conducting its own investigation into the supposed coup plot and has reportedly detained 26 officers and men of the Scout Rangers following Brig. Gen. Danilo Lim's relief as commander on Feb. 23.

Lt. Gen. Hermogenes Esperon said he would decide next week who among the officers and men would be subjected to a court-martial.

In addition to his duties as Army chief, it looks like Esperon has taken it upon himself to be the Witch-Finder General.

He’s not a Marlboro man. He’s a Salem man.

EVERY WITCH WAY BUT LOSE

Embattled Thai Prime Minister Thaksin Shinawatra, a firm believer in astrology and the supernatural, conceded that the stars have not been in his favor lately, but said his political enemies were taking it a step too far.

Embattled Philippine President Gloria Macapagal Arroyo, a firm believer in emergency powers, might as well concede that stars have not been in her favor lately, but her political enemies say she is pushing her luck too far.

Both are being accused of corruption by tens of thousands of their respective constituencies who are calling for their resignation.

But while Thaksin is relying on his talismans and Buddha amulets, Arroyo is counting on her henchmen and McCarthyist witch-hunting.

Will Thaksin’s “good deeds” give him "good karma to protect from evil?"

Will Arroyo’s witch-hunting ultimately prove far more deadly than its prey?

Abangan ang susunod na kabanata…

THE STEAL SMALL VOICE

Malacañang said the plunder case against former Armed Forces of the Philippines comptroller Major General Carlos F. Garcia and his family should serve as stern warning to officials not to steal public money.

"The court has spoken with clarity and decisiveness on this plunder case. Let this be a warning to corrupt officials and to their families that public funds are meant to serve the people, not to line the pockets of a few;" Press Secretary Ignacio Bunye said Thursday.

It’s just the bit part, not the lead role. The steal small voice, not the great trained robbery.

GMA VS. ABS-CBN, ET. AL.

News item: Palace denies government muzzling the press.

The Press Secretary can say it again and again. But tell that to the Marines, the Scout Rangers, and the Special Action Force.

After what happened to the Daily Tribune, the chilling effect of press censorship is being felt by the fourth estate. Add to this the President’s diatribes against the largest media network in the country.

GMA vs. ABS-CBN is no longer a network war. It’s nothing less than presidential browbeating and saber-rattling.

The Revenge of the Nerds and The Wrath of Khan rolled into one.

DART EVADER

Also years ago, the government launched a Do Away with Red Tape (DART) campaign. Unfortunately, the DART failed to hit its mark.

But then again, even Ali, fighting as Cassius Clay, hit Liston.

THE GRAPES OF GRAFT

Years ago, this sign was posted on the door of a Bureau of Internal Revenue office: GRAFT STOPS HERE.

Of course, we knew then that BIR examiners and collection agents transacted their businesses outside.

TALK ABOUT GMA AND S.O.P. RULES

Inq7.net news: 'Corruption at root of RP problems,' says CBCP head.

"Graft and corruption have been flagrant and endemic, breeding poverty. Widespread poverty in turn breeds graft and corruption," according to Archbishop Angel Lagdameo, president of the Catholic Bishops Conference of the Philippines.

Talk about GMA and S.O.P. Rules.

THINK OR THWIM

President Gloria Macapagal Arroyo’s Cabinet used to be made up of hawks and doves. Now it’s made up of bad eggs and good noodles.

Since teamwork is crucial to the Cabinet, the question is: If one synchronized swimmer drowns, do all the rest have to drown, too?

CRAZY LITTLE THING

The statistics on sanity are that one out of every four Filipinos are suffering from some form of mental illness. President Arroyo should think of some of her Cabinet secretaries. If it’s not Mike Defensor, Toting Bunye, or Raul Gonzales, then it's Her Excellency.

In a recent affair where he guested alongside Toting Bunye, former President Fidel Ramos joked that the “No. 1 Cabinet Secretary” should cause the transfer of Malacañang to Muntinlupa in an allusion to the National Bilibid Prisons. Why not Mandaluyong?

CLOSE ENCOUNTERS OF THE THIRD REICH

Inq7.net headline: Arroyo lifts state of emergency.

Hopefully, the reign of fear and repression is over.

According to the Associated Press, “a string of warrantless arrests, a ban on rallies, a raid on a critical newspaper, and police threats of issuing guidelines for media reporting (were) jeopardizing political freedoms, muzzling the press, and fanning unrest.”

Do President Arroyo and her accomplices, agents, allies, and apologists think they can get away with all these just like that?

Nazi Balasi?

CLAWS ENCOUNTERS

By signing Presidential Proclamation No. 1017, Gloria Macapagal Arroyo placed the entire country under a state of national emergency. The Inquirer called it a “reign of fear and repression (that) she has unleashed upon the nation.”

Although Arroyo and her administration apologists say there is nothing to fear about the declaration, it is evident that its principal enforcers are “get(ting) back at their imagined tormentors in the media and their enemies in the Left.”

Make no mistake about it. GMA has the words of a saint and the claws of a cat.

Indeed, we are not alone. Big Brother, or shall we say Big Sister, is watching us.

PAWS FOR POSTERITY

Yesterday and the other day, it’s all mouth and trousers. Today, it’s cat’s pajamas.

Do you know that GMA is not only “Hello Garci” and “Hello Manny,” but also “Hello Kitty?”

Actually, it’s not so much about being a cutie as having nine lives and playing footsie.

But one thing is sure. She’s going to leave pussyfoot prints on the sands of time.

A MOUTHFUL OF TROUBLE

GMA talks like a revolving door. Quite naturally, she adopted it as a government policy in the appointment of chiefs for the military and the judiciary.

A MOUTHFUL OF AIR

There’s something about President Gloria Macapagal Arroyo’s being a fighter that repels the Filipino people.

She’s not only an amazon who's so big at the mouth. She’s also a Wild West Girl who shoots from the lip.

LEAVE AND LET LIVE

Is our President Evil a necessary evil?

We don’t know what we’d do without her, but we’d rather.

PRESIDENT EVIL

We have a president who has a morbid fear of the people.
She has demophobia.

We have a people who have a morbid fear of the president.
They have demonophobia.

MARTIAL LOW PROFILE

President Gloria Macapagal Arroyo declared a state of national emergency on Friday, charging that renegade military officers, backed by civilian supporters, had forged an alliance with leftist groups to topple the government.

Her opponents were quick to cry foul, drawing comparisons between the state of emergency and the martial-law decrees that the late president Ferdinand Marcos used to entrench his power.

Former president Corazon Aquino asked: “What is this emergency act all about? Is it another name for Martial Law?”

Actually, it’s what we may call martial low profile.

HACKLE AND SIMMER

News item: Magdalo denies alliance with communist rebels.

The Magdalo group said its alleged tie-up with the Communist Party of the Philippines was mere government “propaganda” to divert the public’s attention away from President Arroyo’s alleged “high crime.”

First, there’s the so-called Oplan Hackle. Then, there’s the alleged alliance between the renegade soldiers and the communist rebels. Now, there’s talk of a coup simmering but has not come to a boil.

The problem in our country is there’s no vaccine against stupidity.

'HACKLE' VERY FIEND

Army Chief Lt. Gen. Hermogenes Esperon said "Oplan Hackle," an alleged destabilization plan, was discovered in December 2005 with the seizure of a document entitled "The Last Revolution."

‘Hackle’ means “to chop roughly” or “mangle by hacking.” The idiom “get (one’s) hackles up” means to be extremely insulted or irritated.

If we are to believe the government, behind the “Oplan Hackle” which it claims to be a plot to embarrass and even kidnap, or kill, President Gloria Macapagal Arroyo, is a fiend named Gregorio Honasan, a former senator.

A fiend is a person motivated by irrational enthusiasm (as for a cause). I don’t know if he fits the description, but Honasan always finds himself the usual suspect in destabilization plots.

Although groups calling themselves YOUNG (not to be confused with YOUng) and RAFP claimed responsibility for the blasts that rocked Malacañang, the government is still pointing the finger at Honasan.

As the Inquirer editorial puts it: “A dangerous game is under way, and…no one can say with certainty whether this isn't all a plot hatched by a government eager to provide the pretext for a state of emergency.”

Let me just say GMA shouldn’t be afraid of Gringo dropping bombs. She should be afraid of the Gringos dropping her like a hot potato.

BLACK TO THE FUTURE

News item: GMA says she’s the best person to lead this nation and sees no need to cut short her term.

For once, I agree with the President that her term should not be limited. She deserves a life sentence.

BLAST FROM THE PAST

Inq7.net news: Blast rocks Malacañang.

Sounds like the Storming of the Bastille.

Remembrance of things past or portents of things to come?

Am I simply being a nostalgist or being a prophet of boom?

AUSSIE, AUSSIE, AUSSIE! (OINK, OINK, OINK!)

According to the Philippine Center for Investigative Journalism (PCIJ), the Survivor of the Year award for 2005 goes to Gloria Macapagal Arroyo.

Indeed, she has exceptional survival skills. Politically, she’s living on borrowed time, and she’s using stolen money to buy the loyalty of leaders.

GMA reminds me of the reality show Survivor: The Australian Outback. Not so much the survival instinct as the Australian epithet Down Under.

Figuratively, she’s down under and yet she stinks to high heavens. Pray, tell me, which is worse – going down the drain or coming up from it?

PUMP AND CIRCUMSTANCE

News item: Malacañang yesterday justified the low-key commemoration of the 20th anniversary of People Power I which miffed former President Fidel Ramos, saying that the spirit of Edsa resided in the "hearts and minds of every Filipino" and not in any ceremony.

"The true meaning of Edsa resides in the national memory and in the hearts and minds of every Filipino and not in pomp and ceremony or rhetoric," Press Secretary Ignacio Bunye said in a statement.

The kind of politics that grows out of the barrel of an air gun.

ROCK AND RULE WILL NEVER DIE

Government troops loyal to President Arroyo have uncovered a fresh plot by rogue soldiers to grab power.

For as long as we have a politicized military and an ostracized presidency, rock and rule is here to stay.

HELLO, GARCI, GOODBYE, CONTROVERSY

Here’s an epitaph for the House probe on the Garci controversy:

“Here lies Garci - he lies for eternity.”

HONEST INJUNS AND KNAVISH ITCHYBUMS

Honesty is contagious. There’s Tinay, the honest girl. Then there’s the honest policeman. The honest cab drivers. The honest mailman.

Our prayer: May their tribe increase.

However, corruption is prevalent in the corridors of power. From the hollowed halls of Congress to the profligate palace of Malacañang.

Their prayer: May our bribe increase.

GMA CARES: THE TV NOT THE VIP

I wish to greet our President a happy Valentine’s Day.

She deserves to be greeted, even if she’s as hard-boiled as an Easter egg. I know a lot of people want to kick her in her heart, but are afraid to break their toes.

If you think GMA cares, you’re watching television too much.

DEFENDER OF THE FAKE

Sec. Mike Defensor is an adrenaline junkie – that is, in defending GMA.

He would say that she won the 2004 presidential polls fair and square, and that the “Hello, Garci” tapes were spliced even if evidences point to the contrary.

TV talk show host Jay Leno cited a Finnish medical study, which found that if you have a bad or incompetent boss, it increases your risk of a heart attack by 30%.

There’s such a thing as cardiac pacing, but I don’t know if it involves lying.

DEFENSOR OF THE FAITH

Sec. Mike Defensor has been named Presidential Chief of Staff. More than anybody else, he deserves the post. After all, right or wrong, he is fiercely loyal to the President.

Many say he has changed from being a principled politician to a puppet one ever since he joined the Cabinet of Gloria Macapagal-Arroyo. Talk about being an altered ego.

Never mind if he suffers from a diarrhea of the mouth and a constipation of ideas. What’s important is he has the courage of her convictions.

He is truly the Defensor of the Faith.

GMA DOES THE PILATES METHOD

News item: The CBCP, in its second, more strongly worded pastoral letter since the Gloriagate crisis erupted, expressed its frustration over the current political crisis…and demanded institutions to relentlessly pursue the truth.

Malacañang Palace reacted by saying that it supported the CBCP’s “continued search for truth.”

The question is: will GMA be like Plato in really searching for the truth, or will she be like Pilate in merely asking what it is?

The CBCP should know one must come to court with clean hands. GMA knows she has to wash her hands.

MANNY FOR NOTHING

Manny Pacquiao reportedly sired a son with a former girlfriend, but that he denies he is the father of the two-year old love child. His former girlfriend alleges that he has stopped giving support to the child, prompting her to file a case against him in court.

Whatever happened to our hero?

Manny for nothing, chicks for free?

GMA'S TUPPERWARE PARTY

GMA is an acknowledged leader not only of Kampi but also of the Lakas-CMD and the Liberal Party.

She is also the undisputed leader of the Tupperware Party.

Oscar Wilde once said, “A man’s face is his autobiography. A woman’s face is her work of fiction.”

GMA doesn’t need a makeup. She needs a makeover.

GMA HAS MORE FACES THAN MOUNT RUSHMORE

There are many things the Filipinos dislike about President Gloria Macapagal-Arroyo – her face.

GMA – with a stern face – warning destabilizers of her government.

GMA – with a sorry face – apologizing for her lapse in judgment.

GMA – with a smiling face – hogging the limelight with Manny Pacquiao.

GMA – with a sympathetic face – consoling an elderly victim of the Ultra stampede.

GMA – with a snobbish face – answering a media query and running the presidency.

Truly, President Arroyo has more faces than Mount Rushmore.

Anden once wrote, “The most difficult problem to face is when the problem is about your face.”

FAHRENHEIT 4'11"

Remember President George W. Bush playing teacher to schoolchildren during the time the United States was under a terrorist attack?

That's one of the opening scenes of Michael Moore’s much-acclaimed documentary Fahrenheit 9/11.

Here’s a would-be sequel as reported by inq7.net: “Reliving her days in the academe, President Gloria Macapagal-Arroyo played teacher to grade 1 pupils of an elementary school in Metro Manila on Tuesday, speaking to them in English, teaching geography, and pledging textbook assistance.”

(She went to Mandaluyong, but in the wrong institution.)

Arroyo was an economics professor before entering politics. As to how good a professor she was, look at what she did to our economy.

Now, she wants to teach English and geography to our children. Clearly, she wants them to be the next generation of Overseas Filipino Workers.

Who says the lame dame isn’t behind the brain drain?

GMA'S FAKE VALUE

News item: Peso continues its upward streak; Arroyo ecstatic.
Crisp Arrovo bills on eBay, that is.

* * *

Arrovo bills are selling like hotcakes, even though Arroyo looks as if butter wouldn’t melt in her mouth.

* * *

If money talks, the Arrovo bills scream.
At least, some of us can eek out a living.

* * *

As for the others, they now have money to burn.
Like effigy.

* * *

Instead of building a man a fire so he'll be warm for a day, let’s set a man on fire so he'll be warm for the rest of his life.
Like FG.

THE CROCS OF THE MATTER

It is rather unfortunate that some high government officials and top business executives are shedding crocodile tears for the poor who perished in the “Wowowee” game show stampede. Take away their tears and what have you?

WOWOWEE WHAMMY

News item: TV show turns into tragedy.

Thousands of people stampeded into the Philsports Arena in Pasig at dawn to secure limited seats hours ahead of the live broadcast of a popular noontime television variety show called "Wowowee" on ABS-CBN.

The show offered a top prize of one million pesos, a house and lot, and a car for its first anniversary celebration Saturday.

Party-list group Sanlakas said the stampede that killed more than 70 people reflects "the real state of Philippine economy."

"It is a tragic picture of national desperation where many Filipinos are hooked to a television game show, pinning their hopes on partaking of the cash prizes to ease their extreme poverty. It's not 51 pesos to a dollar. It's 70 lives to the peso," Sanlakas president Wilson Fortaleza said.

Extreme poverty is not a game show. It is reality TV.

PCGG EMPHASIS ON 'PC' NOT 'GG'

Camilo Sabio, chair of the Presidential Commission on Good Government, refused to answer questions posed by senators on whether or not Malacañang had approved negotiations on a compromise on the coco levy.

As a result, the Senate gave the PCGG a P1 budget for 2006.

Sen. Joker Arroyo said Sabio should resign his positions as chair or officer in charge of 29 government-sequestered corporations since these posts were in conflict with his job at PCGG.

“As PCGG chair, he is pursuing these sequestered corporations for ill-gotten monies. Yet, he chairs the same sequestered corporations that he is going after,” Arroyo said.

Obviously, the PCGG’s emphasis is on “Presidential Commission” rather than on “Good Government.”

MAKE CRIME PAY, RUN FOR PRESIDENT

The heading says it all, but it’s the body politic’s judgment call.
GMA: LOL!

GMA'S THINK TANKS THINK TANKS

First, a Malacañang official issued a warning that they will “meet fire with fire.” Now, a military official has issued a shoot-to-kill order against the four escaped mutineers.

The problem with GMA’s think tanks is they think tanks.

PRETTY BOY FRAUD

What impresses me most about Press Secretary Ignacio Bunye is he is elegantly-dressed and cuts a decent figure. But he reminds me so much of Arnold Schwarzenegger. No, not Terminator, but True Lies.

That's Pretty Boy Fraud for you.

You see, he is one spokesman on whom the still small voice has no telling effect. He approaches every question with an open mouth, and he has a straightforward way of dodging issues.

I don’t know if he’s a sweet tooth, but he sure is fond of candied views.

I nominate Sec. Bunye for a “Foot In Mouth Award,” which is given to those who make truly baffling comments.

Confucius say: “Man who stick foot in mouth get athlete's tongue!”

AN APPRECIATIVE FRAUDIENCE

I think I forgot to say something. I forgot to say there are those who laud and applaud GMA. Who else, but her Lakas-CMD and Liberal-QED fraudience?

Toss in the bootlickers at the Union of Local Authorities of the Philippines (ULAP), who definitely praise her performance to high heavens. They’re in cloud nine – these scions of a vixenish canine - every time GMA fills the air with her speeches and vice versa.

Soot yourselves. We can give you the benefit of the dirt.

HELLO, MANNY...I AM SORRY...

Hello, Manny…

For bringing honored glory to our country, we are mighty proud of you and solidly behind you all the way.

To your colorful careers in boxing, acting, and singing, we look forward expectantly. But definitely not dancing – not cha-cha with Gloria, anyway.

As for the singing, we’d rather that you duet yourself rather than with GMA.

When she sang with you during your victory party, it brought us memories of your rematch with Morales. No, Gloria didn’t remind us of the screaming diva. But her kodigo did remind us of you – Pacman sticking to his game plan.

And, indeed, Gloria is sticking to her own game plan, following the script, and singing her way out of her political woes. (More, more…more practice!!!)

GMA’s performance, on stage and in the seat of power, has to be seen and heard to be depreciated. Clearly, her performance underwhelms the audience.

If singing warms the blood, hers makes ours boil.

Manny, if you’re calling for unity, let me just say that GMA is the sour note in our national harmony.

I am sorry…

GOODBYE TO U.S., GOOD BUY TO US

A few days ago, a PAF OV-10 aircraft crashed in Bulacan.

Another proof that what is goodbye to US is good buy to us.

FREEZE A JOLLY GOOD FELLOW

What’s happening to our idealistic men in uniform?

Gen. Gudani and Col. Balutan are facing a court-martial. Fugitive Capt. Faeldon was recaptured. Four Magdalo soldiers are on the run. The rest of the Oakwood mutineers are still in detention.

Those who dare expose and oppose the culture of corruption in the military establishment or in the civilian government are bound to bite the bullet.

Each will have to face the music, courtesy of the military top brass whose favorite song is “Freeze A Jolly Good Fellow.”

Military honchos have a method to their badness.

GARCI SHMARCI

News item: House ends Garci probe.
Another case of hello and goodbye?

* * *

At the House committee hearing, Garci always started the bull rolling.

* * *

Garci’s no Iron Chef. His cooked-up excuses were half-baked.

* * *

My impression is he has a swellebrity mentality. And, as we all know, a swelled-up comer is a sure goner.

* * *

His head is getting too big for the many hats he wears. I hate his high-hattitude.

* * *

GMA put him in Comelec to be her contact man. True to form, he’s all con and no tact.

* * *

Many actually believe that Garci maintains the website cheats.com.

* * *

He’s a crooked official who moved in the best circles. What would you expect from a man who carved his career by chiseling?

* * *

To make a long story short: From a checkered career to a striped suit.

NOLI ME TANGERE

If the shift from presidential to parliamentary system of government takes place, where will that put Vice President Noli de Castro?
Will it make him a Noli the Castrate?

* * *

Talk about charter change and you have FVR, GMA, and JDV figuring prominently. Where’s Noli?
He’s lost in thought and, as we all know, it’s an unfamiliar territory.

* * *

The Vice President is projecting the image that he is above the squabbles. His message is clear: Do what you want, but leave the vice to his own devices.
Noli Me Tangere.

* * *

What does the future hold for him?
I suggest he consult a palmist - not a mind reader - because he has a palm.

* * *

I have no way of verifying, but I was told he went to a freshwater college and he had underwater marks -- below C level.

* * *

I was told that, as a broadcaster, his favorite news program is CBS’s 60 Minutes, which takes him an hour-and-a-half to watch.

* * *

Good for him, GMA’s 24 Oras is in the rival network. Otherwise…

A WALKING ENCYCLOPEDIA AND A RUNNING TABULA RASA

New item: Ernie Baron dies of heart attack. This means media giant ABS-CBN has lost two heavyweight broadcasters in just a short span of time. Earlier, there was a reported falling out between the network and VP Noli de Castro.

Ka Ernie was a walking encyclopedia; Kabayan Noli is a running tabula rasa.

One believed knowledge is power; the other believes ignorance is bliss.

One drank from the fountain of knowledge; the other just gargled.

The two remind me of Pamela Allen’s children’s books: Mr Archimedes’ Bath and Waddle Giggle Gargle!

To Ka Ernie: Way to go, Einstein! To Kabayan Noli: Bye Bye Birdie!

ANOTHER ESCAPE AND MAGDALO WILL BE MAGDIWANG

News item: Four more Oakwood mutineers escape.
Another escape and Magdalo will be Magdiwang.

* * *

As to how the four Oakwood mutineers escaped from their heavily-guarded cell inside Fort Bonifacio, the military top brass still has to fully explain. Up to the present, they’re still blamestorming.

* * *

Then as now, military intelligence is a contradiction in terms.

* * *

The AFP leadership says there is a coup threat from disgruntled young officers, but that intent is different from capability.
Don’t take these young officers lightly. They have the gift of grab.

* * *

During the time of Gringo, it was colonels’ coup. During the time of the YOU, it was a major problem. Will today’s YOUng be the sky captain and the world of tomorrow?

* * *

Then as now, what the military needs is a general cleaning.

* * *

It is said that the general's rank is symbolized by stars because he is higher than all, gives light to all, and is out of reach.

* * *

When generals play golf, the soldiers are hungry. But when generals go to work, the soldiers are fed up.

* * *

Then, a commanding officer would put his butt on the line to protect his men. Now, a commanding officer will put his men on the line to protect his butt.

* * *

Isn’t it obnoxious when a CO becomes a CO2?

ERIK MORALES LOST TITLE TO MIKE ARROYO

Last night, Manny Pacquiao skillfully showed his rapid-fire boxing style and proved two things: that he is the best in his class and that he is a class all by himself. After all, he’s the first boxer to knock out two Mexican boxing legends and future Hall of Famers -- Marco Antonio Barrera and Erik Morales.

For once, the entire Philippines was a nation in jubilation as Pacquiao stopped Morales in the 10th round of their scheduled 12-rounder. But the celebration soured as soon as First Gentleman Mike Arroyo unabashedly climbed the ring for a photo opportunity, thereby spoiling Pacman’s victory.

Clearly, Erik Morales lost his title – and I mean the title “El Terrible” – to Mike Arroyo. It’s not enough to have a hard chin; you must have a thick face.

Mike Arroyo shouldn’t have showed up at the showdown. For all we know, he only needs his glasses to make a spectacle of himself. Terrible.

GO, MANNY, GO! GO! MANNY B. GOODE

Fellow patriots, today, it’s not politics as usual. Let’s give the usual suspects a break and focus our attention on Manny Pacquiao’s rematch with Erik Morales.

Manny, we know you’re a good friend of our worst enemy who’s waiting for another photo opportunity, but we’re behind you all the way.

Show El Terrible the rapid-fire boxing that is your forte. Give sail to your ability and establish your superiority.

It’s been hell at home and, for once, in the words of Gustave Flaubert, “Let’s climb up to the top of our ivory tower, right up to the last step, close to the heavens!”

Bring honor to our country and make us proud, Manny!

ARROYO MEANS CREEK AND CROOK

Napoleon had his Waterloo. Nixon had his Watergate.
Too bad for FVR. His is not H20, but K9P.

* * *

As for GMA, she lacks water or any other liquid.
Gloria only has her arroyo – a dry river bed.

* * *

I know what you’re thinking, but let me tell you something. I’m sure she has her own Victoria’s Secret. Even her husband has his own Victoria Toh secret.

* * *

The husband’s secret is an accountant, not a nanny. Speaking of nanny, it’s the wife who has one.

* * *

One dictionary meaning of arroyo is a creek, but the practical definition is a crook.

* * *

Administration apologists keep saying that’s how the cookie crumbles, when all we want to know is who stole the cookie from the cookie jar?

* * *

If corruption is music, OMG, GMA is a brass brand!

IN FIDEL WE TRUST

Former President Ramos likes to believe that he’s the knight in shining armor of the Arroyo administration as well as the savior and protector of our nation.
In Fidel we trust?

* * *

Whodoes he think he is? The trouble with Tabako is give him an inch and he’ll be a ruler.

* * *

FVR is fond of giving deadline and hogging the headline. Why doesn’t he just focus on his receding hairline?

* * *

An unsolicited advice to Drilon and Sotto on future meetings with FVR: Eat, drink, and be wary.
* * *

To his credit, FVR founded what is now the most dominant political party in the country -- Lacoste-CMD.

* * *

At the Lakas party meeting, GMA was the belle of the ball while JDV was the leader of the band. And FVR? He was the silence of the lambs.

* * *

FVR used to be the life of the party. Now, he looks more like the smiling assassin.

* * *

Now that GMA enjoys a stronger clout in Lakas than FVR himself, FVR can do a tit-for-tat by taking over GMA’s Kabalikat ng Malayang Pilipino (Kampi).
Then he can declare himself the Tiger of Malaya.

* * *

If this happens, FVR can claim total victory by changing the name of Kampi to Partido Lakas-Tattoo. Then he can change the party logo to Le Tigre.

* * *

His ex-Excellency is now busy with his own Ramos Foundation for Peace & Development (RPDEV).
I hope his foundation will focus more on governance. After all, he has interferiority complex.

* * *

Why not a Ramos Foundation for Peace & Development of Government (RPDOG)? Anyway, it’s where the country’s going.

* * *

In fairness to FVR, his administration was achievement-prone. He built tobacco roads.

* * *

Indeed, old soldiers never die. They just recede and retrograde.

* * *

Enough of this retard general.

THE DE VENECIA CODE

A nation-bending code hidden in the works of Jose de Venecia. A desperate race through the hollowed halls of Congress and the profligate palace of Malacanang. A self-serving truth conceived for years…unveiled at last.

Decipher the labyrinthine puzzle in The Lakas Supper.

* * *

Joe De V is proposing the French model where he’ll likely emerge as the Prime Minister. If ever, I’d rather that we adopt the Australian model, which is basically the same except that he’s down under.

* * *

Speaker De Venecia exerts a cultivating influence across the land with his well-oiled Lakas machinery.
De Venecia, influence, land, oil. The behest combination!

* * *

At the House of Representatives, the Speaker is the lord of his own manor. In the case of De Venecia, he’s the lord of the flies.

* * *

The Spice Boys may have disbanded, but there are a lot of gigolos there. That's short for garbage-in garbage-out lawmakers.

* * *

Ever wonder why the House is high and dry? Of course, there are so many trapos there!

* * *

The House is a hog heaven whose main currency is pork barrel and whose very constituency is gimme pigs.

* * *

In biblical days, it was a miracle when an ass spoke.
Nowadays, it's a common occurrence in Congress.

GOODNESS GRACIOUS GMA

News item: GMA will stay till 2010.
THE GMALADY LINGERS ON…

* * *

Fashion is Beverly Hills 90210. Passion is Malacanang Palace 2010.

* * *

We have a demure president. Demure she seeks cover, demure she’s under fire.

* * *

The secret of her perpetual youth? She lies about her age.
The secret of her perpetual power? She lies about everything else.

* * *

She fills the bill of the presidency, but she chose to fill the presidency with bills.

* * *

If only the President gets her fill from her very own Arrovo bills.

***

Theodore Roosevelt once wrote about “a politician of monumental littleness.”
No, he wasn’t referring to Her Mighty Mini Royal Snobbishness.

* * *

Ours is a tropical country with a cold-front presidency. Talk about Fahrenheit 4’11”.

***

When an artist wants to do President Arroyo in oil, Malacanang makes sure he's not into culinary arts.

PREAMBLE

Philosophy, n. A route of many roads leading from nowhere to nothing.1
Politics, n. A strife of interests masquerading as a contest of principles.2
Pilgrim, n. A traveler that is taken seriously.3
Philippines, n. A country “somewhere between nowhere and goodbye.”4
Filipino, n. An icon of democracy like the Liberty Bell, and as half-cracked.5

1The Devil’s Dictionary, Ambrose Bierce
2The Devil’s Dictionary, Ambrose Bierce
3The Devil’s Dictionary, Ambrose Bierce
4quote from the movie Million Dollar Baby
5anonymous quote of a half-truth
(as to which half is true, the blogger does not know)

Of course, I need a preamble to explain the purpose of this blog. I hope the above definitions will set the record straight. If the devil can cite Scripture for his purpose, then a saint can consult The Devil’s Dictionary.

By the way, I may not carry a hammer and sickle, but I hold a blade and chalice. With the chalice, I will serve God, Country, and Humanity. With the blade, I will drive home my point by stabbing someone with it.

Please join me in my political perambulation and philosophical locomotion, and, together, let us crack some jokes along the way. After all, you voted them into office, right? No? Really? Bless you, kindred souls!